I am feeling better today. Last week I didn’t think I would ever feel better. I thought the world was essentially toxic to me, or that I had some fundamental flaw that meant I was doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life. I don’t know that those things aren’t in fact true, but today, at least, I don’t feel they are.
Two things happened in the last two days that helped tremendously. First, Scarlett came home from her trip. It’s amazing how much light and purpose she brings to my days. I can’t mope in bed (or at least not as much) when she’s home. Seeing her bouncing around the house (literally bouncing on my exercise ball which she has turned into a seated pogo stick), I can’t help but smile a few times a day. She asks to cuddle, she makes me laugh, she demands attention, she shines a ray of light in the darkness. I have her for 10 more years. I’m so very grateful.
Second, my period started. I am terrible about tracking my periods, so I didn’t realize I was in the middle of PMS. I should have figured it out. For the past year or so, I’ve noticed that just before my period, life gets extremely dark. I don’t know if this is a new development – in the past I never associated an intensifying of my depression with PMS, but these days I can point to it as a consistent and terrible time when I am near suicidal. I need to be more diligent in keeping track of my cycles, so that when I’m about to have my period I can at least know that biology is the culprit and I need only hold on for a few days and things will get better. Boy, it stinks to be a girl.
So I’m on day 30 without alcohol. Life is bearable today. I can be grateful for my many blessings. I don’t feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin. I don’t feel the gnawing panic and dread. I have enough energy to make it through the day without collapsing into bed. For today, I’m ok.